More bad news

I came home from vacation (more about that later) and jumped right back into cancer land. The day after I got back I had a scan to see if the chemo was working. I had an appointment with my oncologist a few hours later to get the results. Unfortunately my tumors continued to grow during the last rounds of chemo. This means that my cancer has grown through 5 different chemo cocktails! I have always been on overachiever, but this is one area where I wish I wasn't. My oncologist recommended that I try another type of chemo and I decided to go along with the recommendation (as long as the side effects are manageable). He said that after this type he is not as enthusiastic about recommending more chemo. So we asked the obvious question--what is the prognosis if this doesn't work. The verdict--less than a year. I'm still trying to remain optimistic about the new chemo, but also trying to wrap my head around the prognosis. I thought that Gess dying was the worst thing that could happen, but getting cancer 5 months later and having to go through this without him is much worse. I'm trying to make the most of the time I have, but honestly I'm not sure that I'm doing a very good job. I don't really know how to live in this limbo land. I've always gotten through rough times by looking forward to the future, but now I can't do that. I'm not sure what to do anymore.